Episode Transcript
[00:00:13] Speaker A: Welcome back to another edition of Unleashed Athletics. I'm your host, Brian Bond. Thanks so much for tuning in again. We have a great episode ready for you. A great episode. Last week we talked about athletes taking responsibility. When you get your chance, lead where you're at, do those little things well. Set the example this week. Parents, it's your turn.
It's your turn to lead where you're at. But we are going to take this conversation from a perspective of dealing with conflict when it arises.
[00:00:51] Speaker B: Okay?
[00:00:51] Speaker A: So when the parents have had enough, how do they take the next step? Step to have a conversation with the coach. And this isn't easy. Parents, I want to be very clear as I step into this conversation that I hear you, I see you. And this conversation is not an easy one, but it can be dealt with correctly. And that's what we're going to try to walk through today of when you've had enough, how do you get to the coach and how do you have a conversation with him that makes sense, that's logical, that can help you in a way that can get your point across. Okay, so we're living in a world today that is somewhat out of control. When this moment occurs and you can scour the Internet, it's some of my favorite things to do is go check out parents blowing up at coaches or blowing up at umpires. And we've already talked about umpires here. And, uh. But when you see that moment occur, you're like, whoa, I just can't believe that there are parents out there that act like that.
[00:02:06] Speaker B: Right.
[00:02:06] Speaker A: And. And what you do realize is over time, you know, my experience as an athletic director and a head coach, what I've learned during those times are they are really trying to care for their student athlete, for their son or daughter.
[00:02:22] Speaker B: Right.
[00:02:23] Speaker A: And that's a valiant thing. I don't want to begin to believe that you're not doing it because of anything else other than the love that you have for your son or daughter. So let me begin there.
[00:02:38] Speaker B: Right?
[00:02:39] Speaker A: I get it. You love your kids. I get it. And I. And I really do want you to hear that clearly because I have seen passionate families come to the table with arguments and they get shut down quickly because of the way that they handle the situation.
[00:02:57] Speaker B: Okay?
[00:02:58] Speaker A: So three things that I really want to talk about today, and those three things will help you win the critical conversation. And really, it's a crucial conversation that you need to have with your coach.
And actually, I'm not going to get into it quite yet. There's one more thing I have to say. If your coach is telling you I don't meet with parents, they're wrong. They're wrong. You need to find a coach that's willing to have a conversation with you.
[00:03:25] Speaker B: Right.
[00:03:26] Speaker A: If they ask for your son or daughter to be in the room with them, totally think that's fair. Anything that you can say to a coach, you should be able to say to your son or daughter with them in the room at the exact same time. I'm actually a big fan of that. That that holds the temperature correct in the room, but that also holds your words to the proper way that they should be spoken.
[00:03:50] Speaker B: Right.
[00:03:51] Speaker A: That's really, really important. So you step into the room, you've called for a meeting, he, he or she says yes. You step out into that space, you sit down with them. The very first thing is you cannot step in there angry and ready to rip. You can't do it because if your first words out of your mouth when you step into the room are fire, the coach is going to go into defensive mode and you just stop the conversation right there immediately. You have taken an opportunity for a coach to learn, understand, and try to develop the relationship between you and him. And you've thrown it out the window because you came in shotguns ablazing.
[00:04:35] Speaker C: Okay?
[00:04:35] Speaker A: It just can't start that way. So if you go into a room and you're already talking about going to an administrator, if you're going into the room and you're already talking about bringing lawyers into it if you have to, if you're already going into the room and you're dropping f bombs, it is a quick way to get a bad response from a coach. Not only are they taking time out of their day to make sure that you are heard and understood, but they expect you to have a civil conversation along the way. And if you want a civil response, you need to do the right thing. And the right thing is making sure that you're speaking in a way that can be received from the coach. Now, you know, I saw something on the Internet, and I'm just going to share this, but it was all the different types of dads out there, okay? And one of them was the new game changer dad. And if you're in the baseball softball world, you'll appreciate this, but the dad walks up and he basically says, hey, my son hit a line drive. You didn't put it in the book as a hard hit ball. We need to get that changed because he's planning on being an all state player. And if you don't change it. It looks like he went over four. There's no way that they're going to put a player on, on an all state team that went over four, let alone get a college scholarship.
[00:05:58] Speaker B: Right.
[00:05:59] Speaker A: And that's the premise of the video. And the coach responds because he's, he's upset about it. He responds and goes, the ball wasn't hit that hard.
[00:06:07] Speaker B: Right.
[00:06:08] Speaker A: And, and that makes the, the whole environment change.
[00:06:12] Speaker B: Right.
[00:06:12] Speaker A: His response was poor. The response to go up to him was poor. And, and all of a sudden we're in a bad moment between the coach and the, the father in this situation. And the father ends up by the end going, cool, I'll call my lawyer. I'll talk to you later. And it ends, the video. It's classic. I just love it. But that tension is real. That tension is something that is happening on a, not a daily basis, but it's happening across the country right now in a way that it shouldn't be happening.
[00:06:44] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:06:44] Speaker A: And it's because of the temperature that you set when you go to talk to the coach, right? When you go to talk to the coach. Please hear me, number one, just don't go angry, okay? It won't get you anywhere. You need to go there with point number two, which is that, what's the end goal in mind by the time the meeting completes? What are you hoping for? And the reason why I think you need to put this in your goal list is because a lot of times what you're going to find out as your end goal is my kid needs to play more. My kid's not getting a fair shot. My kid came home and told me something that I wasn't okay with. And now I'm going to investigate fully which that one's actually good.
But those are some of the things that if you ask the question to yourself and you set the goal beforehand of what you're hoping to get out of it, you're going to come in a lot calmer. You're going to come in with a great set of questions to help navigate the conversation between you and the coach.
So that's point number two. You have to make sure that you have a end goal in mind before stepping into that room. What are you hoping to get out of it? And I think you can open the meeting by sharing that. Hey, coach, thanks so much for taking time. I know you're busy. I want to let you know that this conversation is really important to me. And by the end of it, I really hope that you understand that Ben doesn't feel seen on this team. He doesn't feel like he's a part of the team, and I don't know how to navigate that. And so I'm coming to you. What are you experiencing? What do you see from Ben and his teammates as he's on the field?
That is a way to engage in a conversation where you're going to get a thoughtful answer. And that thoughtful answer will absolutely blow your mind when a coach says one of two things. Right?
[00:08:50] Speaker C: The first one is, I haven't noticed that, man.
[00:08:54] Speaker A: Maybe I have it. I need to pay better attention to that. But let me talk to my assistant coaches and see if they saw anything. And let me get back to you. That's answer number one. The second one is, I I totally get it. I totally get it. And I think Ben's right. I think some of these kids are having a tough time with them and I have addressed that situation, or I'm planning on addressing that situation. And, and, and all of a sudden, for you as a parent, you get the sigh of relief of he is seen. The coach did notice.
[00:09:25] Speaker C: He cares.
[00:09:26] Speaker A: That matters again, when the temperature of.
[00:09:29] Speaker C: The room is correct because you're not.
[00:09:32] Speaker A: In there angry and you've set your goals ahead of time, the conversation is just going to be so much more pleasant and you're going to actually get somewhere rather than just firing.
[00:09:42] Speaker B: Right.
[00:09:43] Speaker A: It is easy to set our mouths aflame and let's see how far it goes. But we don't have to live that way.
[00:09:49] Speaker B: Right?
[00:09:50] Speaker A: This isn't an exercise just for coach. This is an exercise in life as well. The way we speak to one another matters, but it starts with the fact that you had a plan to go into that conversation.
[00:10:03] Speaker B: Right.
[00:10:04] Speaker A: What we want to do is wait for the coach in the parking lot as soon as the game's over because you took him out in a critical situation and the kid you put in struck out and all of a sudden you're going, how do you think my kid feels, too? The kid struck out and lost the game and my kids on the bench and he thinks he's not good enough to play anyway. And you're waiting for him rather than what am I hoping to get out of this conversation?
What is my ultimate hope at the end of the day? So that he understands where I'm coming from and he can try to understand the goals that I have in mind as I'm stepping into conversation.
Okay, the third thing is this, and you're not. You are not going to like this at all. And I need. I need to understand it. You're not going to like it at all. But just like the coach has a responsibility to make sure that the decisions that he's making serves the team the best, you need to be doing that same thing, too. He or she needs to understand that you're coming to the table with a problem that serves the team the best.
[00:11:14] Speaker B: Right.
[00:11:15] Speaker A: Billy's not playing. I'm not sure how to navigate that. I feel like Billy's one of the top guys. Will you help me navigate the conversation so that I understand better why Timmy is playing?
[00:11:29] Speaker B: Right.
[00:11:29] Speaker A: That's a different way of saying I. Ben is the best kid on this team and you're blind. I don't get why you're not giving him an opportunity. You're awful. I don't know how you're coaching a program that's won multiple state championships. You're lucky that kids like this come into your program. Otherwise you would be canned. Those are two completely different things.
[00:11:52] Speaker B: Right? So.
[00:11:53] Speaker A: So I come to the table with that to say if it serves the entire team well, the coach is going to take that into different consideration than if it's just self serving.
[00:12:04] Speaker B: Right?
[00:12:05] Speaker A: And that's the world we live in right now. Nil deals, college scholarships, the best club teams, varsity teams, the whole bit. All says me, me, me.
And what I'm telling you is it doesn't have to be self serving.
You can understand the bigger picture without it just being about your son or daughter. And I really do think that's critical to come to the table with you. Getting a global picture of what this program is all about will help you understand and hopefully help you cheer on the other members on the team when your son or daughter is not playing. And I get it. It's not easy, Brian. We play, we pay a lot of money to be on this team. Ask the question ahead of time. Is Ben going to be a contributor on this team? Is little Billy going to be a contributor on this team? Because if not, I would rather not pay $4,000 to be about part of this team. I get it. I'm not justifying that a coach putting somebody on a bench for an entire season is the right thing to do. However, if their job is to win games, their job is to put the best players on the field. That is their job. And you say, but it's about the experience. We want all the kids to love the entire experience. And I agree with that statement. However, that doesn't mean playing time. You can enjoy the experience by getting better every single day in practice.
You can enjoy the experience by having friends that you never thought were going to be your friends. You can enjoy the experience by you as a parent having friends on that team that are other parents of the team, those are ways that you can enjoy the experience.
[00:14:01] Speaker B: Right.
[00:14:02] Speaker A: But for you to say, I signed up to be on the best team, but my kid's not one of the best players, so he doesn't play very much and then you be upset about it, that's silly. Have the tough conversation when they say, hey, Billy. We would love to have Billy on the, on the top team here.
[00:14:18] Speaker C: What does that mean for Billy?
[00:14:20] Speaker A: Is Billy a starting player in your mind, or where do you see him fitting? Well, we haven't quite figured that out yet. Well, it's important that I know if he's on the top tier or the bottom tier. I'm just making sure because Billy really needs to play this year. Ask those questions ahead of time so you know the type of coach that you're working with and the experience that you're about to get. But I think a lot of times people are so excited about getting the opportunity to be on the best team that they forget to ask the critical questions before accepting.
[00:14:52] Speaker C: And I get it.
[00:14:53] Speaker A: You want the best for your kid. And, you know, if you play on the top team, he's going to be seen by more scouts and all that. But guess what? If Billy's on the bench, he ain't getting scouted by nobody, period. That ain't happening. It's a hard conversation. You know, I've had a few parents reach out this past week, and I've thoroughly enjoyed the conversations along the way. And I'm, like, thinking about getting my own cell phone that you guys can call at any point in time. So if something comes up, I can help navigate with you. I think that would be really, really fun to do, but in the meantime, I think you just need to set your standards appropriately. And we talked about if you're going to go into a difficult conversation, you're not going to go in angry. You're going to make sure you have an end goal in mind.
[00:15:39] Speaker C: And then the third thing, how does.
[00:15:41] Speaker A: It serve the entire team?
[00:15:43] Speaker C: Fix your eyes on that, those three.
[00:15:46] Speaker A: Things, and watch how much better the conversation goes. But I promise you, if you go in with the, I'm going to have.
[00:15:53] Speaker C: To go to the athletic director, I'm.
[00:15:55] Speaker A: Going to have to go to the.
[00:15:56] Speaker C: Owner of the company and have to.
[00:15:58] Speaker A: Go to my lawyer and sort this out. If you're not going to do it my way.
[00:16:03] Speaker C: It's not.
[00:16:03] Speaker A: It does not allow your kid to fight through adversity, and it doesn't shine well on you, either. And I just want to make sure that you hear that of like I, that you're navigating a very, very difficult thing.
I don't pretend for it to be.
[00:16:21] Speaker C: Easy, but there is a right way to do it.
[00:16:25] Speaker A: And when you do it the right.
[00:16:27] Speaker C: Way, you will feel so much better.
[00:16:30] Speaker A: And you will tell the families about it. You will tell the other families how approachable that coach was.
Even if you don't like the answer.
[00:16:39] Speaker C: That he gave or she gave, you.
[00:16:42] Speaker A: Will respect the heck out of them for being honest with you and looking you in the eye rather than shooting.
[00:16:50] Speaker C: Off, letting all your angry energy out and leaving them in the dust.
[00:16:55] Speaker A: And your kid sits the bench some more.
[00:16:58] Speaker C: There's just a better way to do it.
[00:17:00] Speaker A: So that's my challenge for you. My challenge is, are you willing to have a conversation with coaches that would allow them to speak life, to speak truth? Give them that opportunity first. And again, if you don't like it.
[00:17:16] Speaker C: Then either they're not being truthful or.
[00:17:20] Speaker A: You'Re not receiving it. But I think you have an opportunity to learn. I think you have an opportunity to listen, and I think you have an opportunity to grow.
And when you do those things, I think the experience is going to be a lot better through and through parents. Unfortunately, I think you ruined the experience for kids because your expectations are too high.
[00:17:45] Speaker C: Far too often you think your son.
[00:17:47] Speaker A: Or daughter is better than they actually are, and that's okay because you love them.
[00:17:54] Speaker C: However, that comes with pain on your.
[00:17:59] Speaker A: Son or daughter side as well. They're trying to live up to or.
[00:18:03] Speaker C: Match what you're doing, and they can't.
[00:18:07] Speaker A: Because they're on too good of a.
[00:18:08] Speaker C: Team because you thought they should be on the top team and they're.
[00:18:12] Speaker A: They're dying on the inside. And again, I don't want this to become about you, but it is a little bit about you. Take that step back. Let your son or daughter fail. Let them fight through getting a starting.
[00:18:25] Speaker C: Spot again, let them be the Lou Gehrig's of baseball.
One opportunity, and I'll be the starting.
[00:18:32] Speaker A: First baseman for the Yankees for the rest of my career. Just give me one same thing for you.
You haven't gotten your shot yet, but.
[00:18:39] Speaker C: When you are, I need you to be ready.
[00:18:41] Speaker A: Because when you get out there, I believe you can do that.
[00:18:44] Speaker C: What a message to send home to your son or daughter, I believe you can do it. You just wait your turn, right?
[00:18:52] Speaker A: And it sometimes will feel like he's never going to get his shot. But you keep fighting. You fight day in and day out until that coach doesn't have a choice but to use you. And then you shine.
Ton of pressure in that.
[00:19:04] Speaker C: I get it.
[00:19:05] Speaker A: Ton of pressure.
[00:19:07] Speaker C: But real life, one interview at a job, you get one shot at it.
[00:19:13] Speaker A: One test in school, one AP test, you don't get to go back and do it again. There is failure on the horizon, but there's also success along the horizon. I just want you to come along.
[00:19:24] Speaker C: With me and do it right.
[00:19:26] Speaker A: And parents, that message goes to you as well. You have one shot to have a great experience with a coach. When you go into a difficult conversation, do it really, really well. Make sure you don't go in angry. Make sure you have an angle in mind. Make sure it serves the entire team. I'm excited to hear about this one.
This one's hard because I will do a coaches edition as well. Don't you worry, it's coming. But parents, I wanted you to get it first because oftentimes coaches don't get a voice because you came in so hot to begin. Oh, my goodness. I gotta step back. I can't believe this conversation's happening. I wasn't expecting this versus having an adult conversation with another adult.
Okay, that's what we got for this week.
Your job is to go into difficult conversations with a coach with a different lens than you did before. And I know you can do it. I hope this has been insightful.
Coaches will love this edition. Parents will eye roll potentially at this edition, but if we get the two to collaborate together, this will go very, very well. Very, very well.
So, parents, it's your turn.
Go do the work. Thanks for listening to another edition of unleashed athletics. Can't wait to see you next week.
